My Partner is never there for me when it counts! by Natasha Larkin
by Natasha Larkin
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
My Partner is never there for me when it counts!
Is your partner standing beside you when you are needing emotional support? Or is he/she/they often withdrawn and you are continually emotionally alone? So, what can you do when you feel emotionally on your own and your partner is emotionally unavailable?
Psychologists, Counsellors, and relationship therapist has identified some signs of emotional neglect where one partner is feeling a lack of emotional connection. Are you feeling any of these below?
Does your partner think about you in his/her/the activities or holidays?
Does your partner spend more times with others?
Does your partner hide their emotions, so you never see them cry or shower you with love and emotion?
Does your partner never do what they say they are going to do?
Is the relationship fading out with emotion?
Do they shut down when you want to talk?
Are they being highly critical of you so have no empathy?
Is your partner taking no responsibility?
Does your partner blame you for conflict?
Does your partner never start a conversation or shows no interest in your life?
Is your partner a compulsive liar?
Is your partner not vulnerable and hides behind walls?
Is your relationship one sided?
Is there a lack of any intimacy?
Are you starting to feel like you can’t be yourself?
Is your partner hearing your verbal cues or non-verbal signs?
Is your partner avoiding you?
These signs offer emotional stress and no attachment for a long-term emotional future. According to signs of emotional neglect, it is “when a partner or spouse consistently fails to take the other person’s feelings into account, or actively ignores those feelings or emotions. It’s a failure to respond adequately to a partner’s emotional needs,” (14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship (aconsciousrethink.com). Emotional intimacy is essential in stable relationships. It lays the foundation for other forms of intimacy, such as physical, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Your partner may have experienced previous emotional detachment relationships from their upbringing or with relationship heartbreak. It could be a defence mechanism. An emotionally unavailable partner can avoid you consistently and it hurts because it starts to affect one’s wellbeing.
According to Healthline, emotional needs play an important part in relationship satisfaction,( Emotional Needs: 10 Big Ones in Relationships (healthline.com). A relationship is a place of safety where you and your partner ideally meet each other’s needs. When you are in a caring relationship, you learn to address your partner’s needs and ensure they feel satisfied, seen, and understood in the relationship. To begin with, start with working out what you need to feel cared for and loved and then ask them. This will give you a good chance of being heard. If your partner is still emotionally unavailable, you can seek therapy as an individual or couple. Many people turn to their partners to fulfill all of them. While helping to meet each other's needs is important, the ultimate responsibility for emotional fulfillment rests on the individual. Learn how to recognise your emotional needs in a relationship and what you can do to fulfill them. Regulating your emotions and processing your needs such as journalling, doing relaxing activities can help reduce your dependency and give you an awareness of triggers for next time. Once you are in the mindset of being a loving and giving partner, you can then start to advocate for your own needs. Here are some tips for a better emotional connection:
Step 1:
Know what you need and be upfront as early as you can. Tell your partner what you want, not what you don’t want. Do you want change, understanding, or compatibility? It is best to start with a single request. By asking your partner for one specific change, you greatly increase the probability of getting your needs met. It's best to state your request in gentle terms like, "In the future would you be willing to…"
Step 2:
Identify the reason as your partner may be quiet for a reason. Are they emotionally unavailable due to other stressors in life and they just don’t have the capacity right now? It’s a partnership and the best support is both ways.
Step 3:
Give your partner time to sort out their issue. If emotional intimacy has been lacking their past or current relationship, there’s still an opportunity for it to grow. Knowing how to build emotional intimacy, however, is half the challenge. The intent and willingness is a great start.
When you want your partner to be emotionally available and give you some kind of action to meet your needs, you may be asking for them to change, which sometimes can be impossible. A relationship can survive emotional detachment but it is difficult as it can lead to fading romance, loneliness and sometimes depressing thoughts. Some partners are willing to be more accessible and emotionally receptive which will help for future needs. So go ahead and ask your partner ideally when you are both calm and not distressed of what you need. These conversations are best outside of a conflict situation. A partner who feels loved and cared for as well as appreciated, is far more likely to reciprocate in kind. The good news is one can change if they have enough self-awareness and want to look for ways to overcome being emotionally unavailable. A therapist can help with techniques to learn about open communication. Sometimes close friends can too. With this effort, your partner can grow close to you as they become more engaged in open and non-judgemental communication. So even if you start today, ask do you know what your partner needs in the relationship? Are you helping them to meet their emotional needs? Discover what emotional needs your partner may have and how you can help to meet these to form a stronger bond. Sharing stories, asking questions, and tackling new hobbies together are some active ways you can strengthen your emotional bond with your partner.
