Are You Deeply Connected to Your Partner?
by Natasha Larkin
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
Are you deeply connected to your partner?
How well do you know your partner? Asking them certain questions can help you connect on a deeper level. Asking thoughtful and probing questions to strengthen bonds, foster intimacy, and nurture a long-lasting connection.
Recent research at the Gottman Institute, couples who see each other regularly with meaningful conversations are reported to have significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Indeed, their 2023 study found that as many as 78% of couples experienced improved relationship quality after adding deep discussions to their repertoire. Furthermore, “to our surprise, they were only devoting an extra six hours per week to their relationship.” (6 Hours a Week to a Better Relationship).
Opening up to others is not always easy for some so that is why asking questions offers both individuals the opportunity to feel seen and heard, and reduces the likelihood that the sharing feels one-sided. Building emotional intimacy with your partner means delving beyond the simple “yes” and “no” transactional questions of our day-to-day lives, and establishing an understanding of what thoughts and events shaped their past, what your partner presently feels they need and what values and goals do they have so you can be authentic. To help build this understanding, you might want to ask more than just the typical “how are you?” and close-ended questions. Questions like:
How did you…
In what ways…
Tell me about…
What’s it like…
Ask about their past, present, and future, their memories, ideas, and what have been the best times and worst times.
According to research from “Relationship Satisfaction and Infidelity-Related Behaviours on Social Networks: A Preliminary Online Study of Hispanic Women - PMC”, emotional intimacy can not only contribute to overall satisfaction in your relationship, but it can also be more important than sexual intimacy. The research suggests that in terms of relationship satisfaction, those who had low levels of emotional intimacy with their partner felt uncertain and dissatisfied with their relationship. Emotional intimacy in a relationship is important because it builds trust and keeps a bond which is specially to only you. It is important to be heard, validated and to express in a safe space. When you are heard, it feels so good to be yourself and accepted by your partner.
A recommended allocated time very week works best. It is sacred and as a couple, it is important to work around it so think about a day/time that has the least interruptions where you can give your attention. You can even call it a name like ‘Our time’ or your weekly Reunion’ or join your names together like a Hollywood couple such as “Bennifer”.
Step 1
Start by talking about what has gone well in your relationship since your last session. For example, you can explain how you liked something your partner they did in the week. You can give each other one appreciation you have not yet expressed. For example, you can say, “Thank you for remembering what I shared with you about my mother. It means a lot to me that you thought of me, remembered, and followed up with me about her.” Try to be specific and include an example. If you have nothing, maybe you can state “I feel good this week about us” and then ask “in what ways do you feel happy with our relationship?”
Step 2
Discuss any issues that may have arisen in the relationship that may have created tension or conflict of discomfort. To make the conversation effective, take turns being the speaker and the listener. If you become defensive, take time out with a 20-minute break and return to the conversation.
Be mindful of your words - Instead of starting an argument with “You don’t care” you can say “I feel disconnected from you lately”. This will allow your partner to listen to you without feeling bad and focus on the real issue at hand. Use kind words - Even when partners are attempting to settle an issue, coming from a kind and loving place will aid in the process. Regardless of how challenging the subject is, you should remind your spouse that you are on the same team. "I love you and I'm here" is an excellent place to start.
If at this step and nothing has arisen, then no need to make anything up. You can ask, “What’s the most significant thing that happened to you all weekend?” or “Did you enjoy our time together this weekend/week and why?”
Step 3
You can end with a hug or kiss or whatever is a love language sign or even ask “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?” and you can end with “thank you for expressing yourself to me, it helps me to feel closer to you."
One last tip on listening. We think we all know how to but it really is important to do well. Ask yourself if you are “listening to understand” or “listening to respond”? People who listen to understand tend to have better interpersonal relationships and experience fewer misunderstandings. According to Brené Brown, vulnerability is the key to building trust and deep connections. When we show up authentically, we give others permission to do the same, fostering an environment of openness and mutual respect (Brown, 2010). So if you are not understanding, try asking questions like: “What was important about that for you?” “What got stirred up in you, and why do you think so?” or “What did that mean to you?”
So now it is time to think about when you last had a meaningful conversation with your partner? Ask yourself, did that conversation build trust and did your partner show compassion during that discussion? Did it deeper your connection? If it did, then keep that going. If it did not, couples therapy is a good place to start these conversations or even start with a few questions using the activity suggested above. It’s all about strengthening your bond and feeling good about the past and dealing with unfinished business as well as being present and enjoying each day with your partner.
How Couples Counselling in Singapore can Help
Couples counselling in Singapore can provide a safe and supportive environment for couples to reconnect and strengthen their bond. A qualified counsellor, psychologist, or psychotherapist specialising in couples therapy / couples counselling can guide you in exploring meaningful conversations, active listening, and emotional intimacy. By working through challenges and deepening your understanding of each other, you can reignite the spark in your relationship and build a stronger, more resilient connection. At The Counselling Place, our experienced therapists are here to support you in nurturing a more fulfilling and loving partnership.
About the author
Natasha is an experienced counselor and life coach at The Counselling Place Singapore with over 18 years of international experience, Natasha has worked with diverse cultural backgrounds across Australia, Singapore, and the UAE. With expertise in human resources and life coaching spanning over 25 years, she specializes in stress management, career transition, and conflict resolution.
Guided by the philosophy that our past influences but does not dictate our future, Natasha empowers clients to overcome challenges, cope effectively, and embark on a path to happiness and personal growth. Her holistic approach nurtures lasting transformation.