Working through mismatched sex drives

By Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

Working through mismatched sex drives

Are you and your partner mismatched in terms of your sex drives? What can you do to come to some sort of alignment?

Sex drive fluctuate during the course of a long-term relationship, with many things internal, external and relational impacting it.  While it would be ideal with the couple have similar or synched sex drive, the reality is that this is not always achieved.  Sex drive is like hunger, it varies and differs from individuals. Therefore, mismatched sex drives between couples is a very common problem.

While it is common to see men having higher sex drive compared to women.  In my practice, we do often see it happening the other way around where the women having higher sex drive than men.

While for some couple, this is something that occurs right from the start and the couple kept going with the hope that eventually things will be better; there are other couples who initially were in synched but due to changes in life become mismatched.

Depending on the attitude of the couple and how they tackle this issue of mismatched sex drive, this issue can be a threat or an opportunity.  For some couples, they are able to take this in stride, be understanding and find ways to work around it; for others, this is a contentious issue often leading to serious conflict which can threaten the relationship.

Dynamic of Mismatched Sex Drive

For the partner with higher sex drive, often they experience this as a personal rejection and after a few attempts, become discouraged and gave up.  For the partner with lower sex drive, they often felt pressured and not listened to.  While some do try to talk about it, often because of the sensitivity of the issue, they are not able to successfully come to an agreement which led to more frustration.  Some couple may mistakenly think that it's ok for the situation to remain the way it is.  The long run consequence is elevated level of unhappiness in the relationship, with at least 1 if not both persons harbouring anger and resentment towards the other person.  It creates a wall and put distance between the couple.  Some partner use this as an excuse for infidelity.

Working Through Mismatched Sex Drive

a) Consider what affects each other’s sex drive

Listen to what your partner is saying.  Often partner can ignore what the other person raised as important factor that impact their sex drive as "excuses".  For example, studies had shown that most men's sex drive peak in the morning while for women their sex drive tends to be higher in the evening.

b) Keep reminding yourselves why sex is important in a relationship / marriage

Sex is important to show each other that they are loved, appreciated, desired, attractive, etc. to their partner.  When sex falls apart, usually divorce ensues. The definition of a non-sexual marriage includes those where sexual intimacy occurs fewer than ten times per year.  When couple have mismatched sex drive, it is easy to fall below this number.

c) Don’t take it personally (your partner’s lack of interest in sex may not be about you or your attractiveness)

While it is very difficult, as sex is something very personal about you, try not to take it personally.  Be open and willing to explore what is the meaning of the lack of interest.

d) Change things up in the bedroom

Nothing kills sex drive quicker than boredom. After some time together, couple often gets "lazy" and sticks with the same routine. Even with food, you'd get bored eating the same thing. Change it up.

e) Go back to a time when sex was working great for the both of you and recreate those conditions

if your sex was great in a previous time, try to find out what was making it work then and try to ensure these elements are present.

f) Be affectionate as often as possible without wanting sex from it all the time

Get use to touching each other as often as possible affectionately. This should be separate from gestures initiating sex.

g) Take care of your own needs (e.g. masturbate) during the times when your partner is not in the mood and you are. And don’t feel resentful about it.

You are responsible for your own needs.  Masturbate if need to but do not feel resentful about it, especially if the 2 of you are working on the issues and your partner is making efforts in trying to come closer to a solution.

h) Be honest, talk about it and seek help if needed

This is not a problem that will fix itself or you'd grow out of.  The current state of affair is not sustainable.  Communicate openly and honestly about it.  If this cannot be resolved by the 2 of you, seek professional counselling help from a psychologist, counsellor, and sex therapist.

Treatment for Mismatched Sex Drive

How can counselling help?

Counselling by a trained professional like a psychologist, counsellor, or sex therapist can teach each person of the couple to communicate in a non-judgmental environment, process underlying personal or relationship issues and unresolved conflicts, and offer plans and suggestions to improve your relationship and sex life.

What happen in a counselling session?

Counselling often includes education about sexual response and techniques. Your psychologist, counsellor or sex therapist likely will offer recommendations for reading material or couples' exercises. Couples counselling that addresses relationship issues also may help boost feelings of intimacy and desire.

Can I come alone if my partner is not ready?

While couple counselling and therapy is the most effective. Even if 1 person of the couple seeks help, it can greatly change the dynamic of the relationship. Taking the initiative to come also indicate to your partner that you are serious and interested in resolving this issue and would encourage your partner to participate especially if they see improvement on your end. Therefore, take the first step to book in a counselling session with a psychologist, counsellor, or sext therapist at The Counselling Place Singapore.