To Have or Not to Have Children? Dealbreaker for Couples?

By Ho Shee Wai
Clinical Director / Registered Psychologist

Tricia* just realized that her husband, Kent*, does not want children, and she does. Emotionally it is hard for her to accept. Doubt starts creeping into her mind: is this the end of the marriage? While they did not have a clear plan about having children, Kent did make some indications that gave her the impression that he wanted children, too.  Why did he change his mind?

*Not their real name

For many couple, having children is the next logical/natural step after getting married.  It represents the start of the “family”.  Unlike other points of difference, for example shopping, where if your partner is not interested you can go off and do it with someone else (a girlfriend or your sister), this is something you can only do with your partner. What this means is that for the person wanting to have children, it is not just about “having children”, there are often a lot of deep symbolic meanings and dreams tied to this goal.  However, having children is not something one person in the marriage can decide by themselves and therefore they require the buy-in from their partner.  When faced with their partner not wanting to have children, there usually comes a huge sense of devastation, betrayal, and loss.  This is especially so if their partner has previously agreed to have children, or made some indication that they are not opposed to having children in the future.

The Gridlock

In such circumstances, the person who does not want to have children is now faced with the pressure from their partner wanting children.  They too may feel bewildered (especially if they had agreed on not having children and the partner changed their mind), pressured, and also being in the unenviable position of either standing their ground (and disappointing their partner) or doing something that pleases their partner but goes against what they believe.  For those who had previously indicated they wanted to have children, they would also feel guilty for no longer wanting them, but may also feel unable to move from where they stand right now.

This gridlock definitely represents one of the biggest challenge a couple can face.  Does it necessitate the end of the marriage? Not necessarily so!  What is important is for the couple to find a way to work through to a solution that both can live with.  It is also confronting to the person wanting children to identify what is more important to them - having children, or being with their partner who possibly may not change their mind on this topic. They also have to face the issue of identifying whether they are with this person in order to have children or whether they just want to be with this person period.

The Solution

In working through this, more than discussing the reasons, it is important for the couple to discuss the meaning and dream on both sides: Why is it important for you to have children? What would it mean for you to never have children? Why is it important for you that we do not have children? What would it mean if you were to have children?  The couple needs to see how deep rooted each person’s position is and what prompted the change (if it is different from previous agreement).  If the reason for this conflict is rooted in the relationship itself, for example the partner is not opposed to having children per se but objected to having children now (due to timing) with this current spouse (due to other relationship issues), then instead of focusing on this side issue of having children, work on the issues in the relationship first! 

Some couples might take the approach of let’s delay this decision and pick this up again in one or two years’ time.  The problem with this approach is that putting the discussion off to one or two years later may be a way to have some reprieve from the impasse, but it is simply avoidance and perhaps not facing the reality.  Of course, changes in life circumstances in the future may lead to change of heart, but the person must also be prepared that we may be still stuck where we are now and it is then two years later (which has implication for the person wanting to have children and the biological clock ticking).

Whatever the final decision and outcome, choosing to stay with your spouse and giving up your stand on having or not having children is your statement that you value your spouse more than this issue of children.  Focus on why you are making this choice (unless your choice came from your unhealthy fear of leaving the marriage or relationship and then end up being alone).  What would help in this case is for the partner to appreciate and acknowledge the sacrifice the other person is making.

Unfortunately there is no right answer when it comes to the topic of having or not having children, so we are unable to force our partner to change their mind, just as they have no right to force us to change ours. Simply put, it is a decision that needs to be respected regardless of desired outcome. There is more to becoming a parent than forming a family – we need to consider the implications on our finances, romantic relationship with our partner, lifestyle and health, as children are a lifelong commitment and require 24/7 care. This may be especially difficult for expatriates who reside overseas far away from family support, who can only rely on each other for parenting support.

If you are ever faced with the dilemma of having or not having children and feel stuck, consider reaching out to a professional marriage / couple’s counsellor or psychologist at The Counselling Place to help you and your partner become unstuck. A therapist can help you both realize your personal beliefs, reasons, and goals for having or not having children. If other issues in the relationship exist, they may be addressed as well to improve your overall bond.