The Adventure of Rediscovering Each Other as Couple by Nicholas Smith
Supervised Counsellor
The Adventure of Rediscovering Each Other as Couple by Nicholas Smith
Learn how to improve your relationship map with Gottman Couple’s counselling method with Supervised Counsellor & Career Coach Nicholas Smith.
When a couple moves abroad to a city like Singapore, their relationship can become a much-needed anchor in a sea of change, but while the familiar rhythms of your partnership can provide comfort in the face of the excitement – and challenges – of life abroad, it will experience new strains and unfamiliar pressures.
The Gottman Method is a proven approach to strengthening the foundations of a relationship, building up from the base level of friendship to the importance of shared visions and dreams. For a couple encountering life overseas and finding new pressures and leaning into their shared bond, it can be a powerful experience to explore the foundations of a relationship in a methodical way that spotlights strengths and where a bit of renovation can pave the way forward. In the Gottman Method, this blueprint of how a relationship stands tall is called the Sound Relationship House.
The Sound Relationship House isn't just a theory – it's a practical framework for building and maintaining a strong relationship, especially when you're far from your home, community of family and friends.
The first part of this architecture that can make a big difference to an expatriate couple in Singapore is building a love map. The best thing is, it’s a fun adventure all in itself for a couple exploring a new chapter together.
Know Your Partner's World
The foundation of any strong relationship is a deep understanding of your partner's inner world. For expat couples, this takes on new significance. As you navigate life in Singapore, your partner's world is constantly evolving. Are you keeping up?
Dr. John Gottman's research found that couples who are “masters of relationships” are intimately familiar with each other's worldview. The Gottman Method dubs this that part of your brain where you store all the personally important information about your partner's life as a “Love Map. “
If you’ve ever asked your partner something like, “I never knew you cared so much about Christmas; is this something new for you since we moved to Singapore?”, or “Who would you like to put down as your emergency contact, if I’m not around, now we live here?”, you are exploring how their inner world is shaping your shared relationship, and updating your love map.
When you choose to spend your life with someone, it's like handing them a map of your inner world. The challenge is that without being intentional and thoughtful, our deep inner world with its complex memories, perspectives on the present, and hopes for the future could mean that map is becoming outdated. By taking the time together, it can become a shared adventure to rediscover the landmarks and contours of each other’s inner world, from fears to grandest dreams. Dr. Gottman points out in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that “if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.” Having a detailed love map gives much needed perspective to the detours, turbulence, and unexpected twists to living abroad in a new city.
Why are Love Maps so crucial, especially for expat couples?
1. They create a strong foundation for friendship and intimacy:
Knowing the little things about your partner's life deepens your connection.
2. They help you weather storms:
Couples with detailed Love Maps are better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict, which are often amplified in an expat setting.
3. They keep you connected through change:
When you're already intently aware of each other’s values, which guide how each feels and thinks, you're not as thrown off course by the constant changes that come with expat life.
4. They help you support each other:
Understanding your partner's world allows you to provide meaningful support as they navigate the challenges of living abroad.
Mapmaking with a sense of adventure and fun
A good exercise for any couple is to put some time aside, as a ritual, to update each other on the week. In the context of adapting to Singapore it could be questions that go to the core of each other’s priorities: How do you feel about our children’s education? How does the prospect of going back home in a year or two make you feel? Within the Gottman Method, questions like this form what is called a Love Map, an ever-changing, ever-evolving understanding of what matters in the inner world of our partner.
It's as much about the questions as it is about being curious—don't assume you know everything about your partner just because you've been together for a long time. Living as an expatriate can change us in unexpected ways, and it's good for a couple to stay curious about each other’s evolving thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Take some time out, and try answering these questions about each other:
Name your partner's two closest friends in your new country.
What was the most challenging part of the move for your partner?
What's one aspect of your home country that your partner misses the most?
Describe in detail what your partner did yesterday in your new city.
What is your partner's fondest unrealised dream in this new setting?
What is one of your partner's greatest fears about living abroad?
What's your partner's favourite way to spend an evening in your new home?
Name a person or aspect of local culture that your partner dislikes.
What's your partner's ideal job in this new context?
How has your partner's approach to stress changed since moving?
On the one hand, living abroad can bring new pressures. But remember, living in a new city creates so many opportunities to bond over unexpected experiences, novel ideas, and colourful problem-solving quests that might never have come up back home.
In a later blog, we will discuss why this matters so much to the bigger picture of the Gottman Method’s blueprint for a Sound Relationship House, but regardless of how it comes together for you, it’s good to remember that your relationship is your true home no matter where in the world you may find yourselves.
To discover more about the Gottman Method, get in touch with the team at The Counselling Place. Our Psychologist, Counsellors, Psychotherapist & Sex Therapists are fluent in 11 different languages and specialise in Gottman Method marriage counselling, as well as individual, relationship, and family counselling. Book in for a session with me now!