Redefining your life script for your marriage life by Jumh Tantri

Counsellor

Many times you hear individuals talk about scripts in the entertainment industries or how things tend to unfold especially watching variety shows that often claim that they do not have any scripts but live action. Surely, they do to the certain extent so that they can fit the concept or theme for each episode. Likewise in real life, some individuals often say our life is predestined and created for certain reasons. Everything has planned for us no matter how much we try to change in our personality or destiny. Despite of all the scripts or predestined terms for human life, we also see that another term “You reap what you sow” which often serves as a way to take control of your life, be that mastermind that can change your destiny if you are willing to put in efforts. To seize the day, carpe diem.

What is Life Script?

The term “life script” in transactional analysis by Dr Eric Berne in the 1960s refers to an unconscious pathway created in childhood, reinforced by our parents, and strengthened with evidence sought throughout life ensuring our beliefs are justified. To simplify in context, whoever we are inclined choose to be our partner has association to how our parents/caregivers modelled to us on how marriage should be. The belief system, thought process, communication and conflict resolution styles, behaviours between our parents/caregivers play a big role in how we believe our partner should be which often equates to what we learn about love. Some may come from a very secured attachment family background where the children observes a healthy patterns of family members communicating and loving one another respectfully and put a lot emphasis on trust and time together like bonding whereas some may come from an anxious/avoidant attachment family background where the anxious ones often live on eggshells and try to please their partner so that they will not abandon them nor triggers their anger whereas the avoidant ones often finds difficulty to confront issues, prefers harmony and avoids any issues; some even go to the extreme such as talking about negativities is prohibited in the family. Hence, it is essential to know how your parents had been influencing you on how a marriage should be before going to make efforts to modify your belief system to be healthier and constructive patterns that promotes trust and respect in relationships. Real genuine love cannot be dissociated away from these two components. Ultimately, it is about eliminating unhealthy and toxic patterns of a marriage life that may pass down to descendants. Hence, you have to be the one and your partner to be the “savior” to cut off curses that can bring sufferings to your descendants.

How does life script work?

The seven elements on how script works are as following:

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Payoff or curse

…talks about the messages from our parents/caregivers on how we will become as we grow up.

Injunctions or stoppers

…according to Dr Berne is that they are considered “the most important part of script apparatus, and varies in intensity.” They are known as prohibition or negative command from a parent.

Counterscript

…is communicated at later part of life where they are a possible life plan based on parental precepts

Modelling and copying behaviour

…seen and heard contributes to how our script will unfold where programs and patterns are vividly visible especially at the age of six the majority of the time.

Provocation

…encourages and self-prophesy to confirm our script belief, coming from the demon in the Parent.

The Demon

…similar to Freud’s concept of ‘id’ referring to an internal unpredictable impulsive voice within individuals.

Anti-Script, Spell-Breaker or Internal Release

…comes as a form of self-destruction of script by the trigger of a pre-set real, or ideal fantasy event formed in our minds, which sets individuals free from unhelpful script elements.

The “OK Corral”

Another concept by Dr Berne is ‘OK Corral’ refers to the positive and negative views of the world, those around us and ourselves. Though individuals revert to a preferred position, they move depending on influences and experienced from situations that life throws along the way.

There are 4 types of position as following:

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‘I am OK, You’re OK’

Individuals get on with others and they are confident and contented within their work, home and life as a whole, mutually respecting others thoughts and opinions, even if they disagree with them.

‘I am OK, You’re not OK’

This position has been decided for individuals on within the second or third year of life. They tend to angry, showing hostility and viewing others as incompetent and not to be trusted from a superior position. Also, belittle them with competitiveness. They lack conscience and often views faults in situations due to others and not themselves.

‘I am not OK, You’re OK’

Individuals are unhappy, inadequate and feeling unworthy/useless. The lack of self-belief results in them undervaluing their skills or contributions in life. They are eager and incline to please others in order to gain approval but find difficult to acknowledge such recognition after attaining it.

‘I am not OK, You’re not OK’

A sense of abandonment is felt by individuals in the first year with strokes (compliments/recognitions) either too few or non-existent which may lead to confusion and a sense of pointlessness, eventually they couldn’t even bother at all. They may fall into depression and withdrawal which may eventually lead to going to mental institution.

Life Script determines our Partner Choice

The beginning of the script determines and concludes about the world around us, ourselves and others. Scripts consists the messages, influences and interactions with our parents/caregivers via verbal and non-verbal messages. This has a huge impact on how you would choose your future partner and interacting with them.

Injunctions

Lastly, there are other factors that determine on how marriage may unfold which are injunctions and permissions; drivers. Injunctions are known as messages passed from Child of the parent, and received in Child of the child if they are negative and restrictive (“Don’t exist, Don’t be You) and permissions if they give the child positive choices (It’s OK to Exist, It’s OK to be You).

There are 12 injunctions as following:

“Don’t be or Don’t exist”
“Don’t be you (the sex you are)”
“Don’t be a child”
“Don’t grow up”
“Don’t make it”
“Don’t” (do anything)
“Don’t be important”
“Don’t belong”
“Don’t be close”
“Don’t be well”
“Don’t think”
“Don’t feel”

For counter-injunctions, these are verbal script messages from my parents’ Parent and stored in my Parent as a child. They work in compliance with our injunctions and re-enforced non-verbally. They can re-enforce and contradict the injunctions with driver messages that influence thinking, feeling and behavior. There are 5 drives used as a defence mechanism that respond to the demands of our counterscripts. The favorite or primary driver is most likely to show itself when stressed or anxious.

They are “Be Perfect”, “Be Strong”, “Try Hard”, “Please (people)”, “Hurry up”. All these drivers will become more visible especially for couples to be together for long period of time in marriage. It can lead to understand each other pet’s peeves.

Conclusion

All these terms may be alien to layman but to psychologists, counsellors, or psychotherapists who are using Transactional Analysis are skillful in helping clients to let go of their child self but become the master of their current life as an adult to make informed decisions for his or her life.

To better understand how your childhood has influence in who you choose your partner for your marriage, you can book a session with me to discuss further on this.

Redefining your life script for your marriage life by Jumh Tantri