Gaslighting: Recognizing the Signs by Lim Swee Chen
Counsellor
Gaslighting: Recognizing the Signs b
y Lim Swee Chen
Learn what are the signs of gaslighting and what to do if you are a victim of gaslighting with Counsellor Lim Swee Chen.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse that causes the victim to question their reality. This insidious behavior can come in the form of lies, denial, and other deceptive tactics. It can happen in various relationships, including intimate partnerships, friendships, family dynamics, and even in the workplace.
The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptation. In the story, a manipulative husband gradually convinces his wife that she is losing her mind by making subtle changes to her environment, such as dimming the gas lamps. This deliberate manipulation not only causes the wife to question her sanity but also isolates her from friends and family, giving the husband more control over her.
Gaslighting can have a profound impact on an individual's mental health. The constant manipulation and invalidation can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Victims of gaslighting may experience confusion, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of reality. Over time, the emotional toll of gaslighting can erode one's confidence and sense of self-worth, making them more vulnerable to further manipulation. Hence, it becomes harder for them to leave the unhealthy relationship and make better choices for their lives.
Differences between Normal Disagreements and Gaslighting
Distinguishing between normal disagreements and gaslighting is important, as it can help individuals identify when they are being manipulated. Normal disagreements are a natural part of relationships and involve differences in opinions, perspectives, or preferences. In healthy disagreements, both parties are able to express their views without fear of retaliation or manipulation. There is mutual respect, and both parties are open to listening and understanding each other's perspectives.
On the other hand, gaslighting involves a pattern of behavior where one person consistently denies the other's reality or refuses to acknowledge their perspective. Gaslighting tactics are often used to undermine the victim's confidence, making them doubt their own perceptions and memories. Unlike normal disagreements, gaslighting is characterized by manipulation, invalidation, and a power imbalance.
In normal disagreements, there is room for compromise and resolution, whereas gaslighting is more about control and manipulation. It's important to trust your instincts and recognize when a disagreement may be crossing the line into gaslighting.
Gaslighting Tactics
Recognizing the tactics is crucial for breaking free from the cycle of gaslighting. Gaslighting tactics include:
1. Withholding:
The abuser pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, withholding validation or acknowledgment. This can make the victim's feelings seem unimportant or invalid.
Example: “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me,” or “I do not know what you are talking about.”
2. Countering:
The abuser questions the victim’s memory of events, despite the victim remembering them accurately, creating doubt and confusion.
Example: “Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory,” or “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly,” or “I think you are forgetting what really happened.”
3. Blocking / Diverting:
The abuser changes the subject and/or questions the validity of the victim’s thoughts, deflecting from the issue at hand.
Example: “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
4. Trivializing:
The abuser makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant, diminishing their sense of worth.
Example: “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive,” or “You are overreacting.”
5. Forgetting / Denial:
The abuser pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim, distorting reality.
Example: “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
6. Blaming:
The abusive person refuses to take responsibility for their actions, shifting blame onto the victim, further undermining their confidence.
Example: "I wouldn't get so angry if you didn't provoke me all the time. It's your fault I behave this way."
Understanding these tactics is essential for recognizing gaslighting behavior and taking steps to protect yourself from manipulation. Gaslighting can be subtle, but being aware of these common tactics can help you identify when they are being used against you.
Signs of Gaslighting
Next, let's explore some signs that you may be a victim of gaslighting, as outlined by author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D.:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying in order to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
Reminder
It's crucial to recognize that the responsibility for gaslighting lies solely with the individual employing these manipulative tactics. You are not at fault for their actions, and nothing you've done justifies or causes their behavior. It's common to feel self-blame or confusion in these situations, but it's important to remember that your worth and reality are valid. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty in all your relationships.
Getting counselling support
If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, seeking support from a trained professional can be incredibly beneficial. Counselling can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies. Consider investing in your well-being by seeking support from a counsellor at The Counselling Place. Your journey to emotional well-being is their priority, and they are there to support you every step of the way. Book a session with me today.