Navigating Change for Adult Third Culture Kids: Understanding Grief and Building New Relationships by Paula Brunning
Navigating Change for Adult Third Culture Kids: Understanding Grief and Building New Relationships
Are you an adult Third Culture Kids? Learn how to navigate change successfully with Paula Brunning, Counsellor, Career Coach & Parenting Coach
With a new year we often consider making changes to have what we believe could be a better life, yet change is something we are continuously adapting to. As we journey through different phases of our lives, we are often confronted with the need to adapt to new circumstances. Whether it's a career move, a shift in personal relationships, or a simple change in daily routine, transition is inevitable.
For those who grow up as third culture kids (TCKs), change is familiar. TCKs are children who spend a significant part of their developmental years outside their parents' culture. An exciting part of this lifestyle is the mobility and advantage of possibly living in different places while experiencing different cultures along the way. However, the repeated cycle of arriving and departing from school to school or seeing friends come and go can embed a deep sense of transience in their lives. Despite the huge advantages, there are some challenges that come from a TCK upbringing, that can impact mental health even into adulthood. This article sheds light on some unique challenges Adult TCKs face, particularly how unresolved grief from past losses can complicate the adjustment to new relationships and environments, and how this can be addressed to support healthy emotional wellbeing.
The TCK Experience of Change
Due to not having a single, monocultural home base, TCKs often grapple with the concept of 'home' and identity, as they synthesize multiple cultures into their personal experience. During teenage and young adulthood, TCKs can often struggle with defining who they are and ‘where they are from’. Sometimes, this can create a sense of non-belonging, or being different from others.Even having consistent return visits to parental homes and families, the development of an individual’s identity is richly and complexly interacting with a mobile lifestyle. Each transition can mean the loss of friendships, familiar places, and a sense of belonging, leading to a cumulative grief that is often overlooked. This unresolved grief can manifest as a barrier to forming new relationships, as the fear of future loss may prevent TCKs from fully investing emotionally in new connections.
The Impact of Unresolved Grief
Grief among TCKs is often underappreciated as society fails to acknowledge the legitimacy of their loss particularly with frequent changes in relationships. As change becomes commonplace, we look to make a quick adjustment with new friends. The common mantra of "just move on" can lead to suppressed emotions. Not always easy to notice is that when grief is not processed, it can hinder the ability to form deep new attachments, as TCKs might subconsciously resist forging bonds that they expect to be temporary. Symptoms of anxiety and depression can emerge and make day to day life seem unfulfilling.
Strategies for Processing Grief
Grief is an inevitable component of change as something must be said goodbye to when a new situation, relationship or circumstance comes along. To navigate their unique life experiences in a healthy way, Adult TCKs may benefit from several strategies to process grief:
Step 1: Acknowledgment
Recognizing and validating the grief of leaving behind friends, cultures, and a part of one's identity is crucial, charting a personal history of change and its impact.
Step 2: Expression
Encouraging the expression of feelings through art, writing, or conversation can help work through the range of emotions that emerge from accumulated grief.
Step 3: Rituals
Creating rituals to say goodbye to people and places can provide closure and honor the significance of those relationships.
Step 4: Support Systems
Connecting with other TCKs or counselors who understand their experiences can provide comfort and an opportunity to be accepted for the complex identity an Adult TCK often carries.
Building New Relationships
While lightening the weight of past grief through processing techniques, Adult TCKs can foster healthy new relationships by:
Embracing Vulnerability:
Being open about one's feelings and experiences can lay the groundwork for deeper connections with others.
Patience with Self:
Understanding that it takes time to feel comfortable in new relationships allows Adult TCKs to be patient with their pace of adjustment.
Mindful Attachment:
Practicing mindfulness can help Adult TCKs live in the moment and appreciate new relationships without the shadow of potential loss.
Pursuing Shared Activities:
Recognizing commonalities and building connections with those that are different is often a strength of Adult TCKs. Engaging in group activities or interests can help form bonds over shared experiences rather than shared histories.
Fostering Resilience in the Face of Change
For Adult TCKs, resilience is pivotal. True resilience is fostered by working through challenges and can be cultivated by:
Reflecting on Past Transitions:
Recognizing their own strength in having navigated previous changes can boost confidence.
Finding Constants:
Identifying aspects of life that remain constant, like hobbies or personal values, can provide a sense of continuity.
Developing Coping Skills:
Learning and practicing coping strategies for dealing with change can prepare TCKs for future transitions.
Creating a Personal Narrative:
Encouraging Adult TCKs to craft their own stories can help them make sense of their experiences and see the value in them.
While change is a constant for most of us, for those raised as third culture kids, the tapestry of their lives is woven with many threads of change. For Adult TCKs, understanding and working through past grief is an important step to being able to embrace future change to its full opportunity. Especially for those experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, processing past grief can be the door to adopting strategies for building new relationships and embracing the richness of their unique experiences while regaining emotional health. Navigating the complexities of a cross-cultural upbringing, Adult TCKs can transform their challenges into strengths, cultivating resilience and personal strengths that will serve them throughout their lives.
Embark in this journey of change with the support of Psychologist, Counsellor, Psychotherapist, and Coaches of The Counselling Place Singapore.