by Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

How to Talk to Children about Death?

Time & Place

Find a quiet and preferably private place to have this conversation. Try to have this conversation as soon as possible after the death occurrence, after you processed your own initial reactions. Get ready kleenex and some warm drink. Have comfortable sitting and hug your child when you speak to them.

Use simple details

Give general details of how the death occurred.  You can begin the conversation by saying, “Something really hard happened today…”   and depending on the circumstances around the death and the age of the child, here are some suggestions:

Sudden death: “Dad’s heart stopped beating today, and he died.”

Accident: “Your sister was in a car accident.  Her body was very badly hurt, couldn’t be fixed, and she died.” 

Old age: “Grandma had gotten very, very old, her body stopped working and she died.” 

Terminal illness: “Because the cancer couldn’t be stopped, your dad got very, very sick and his body stopped working. Dad died.”

Stillbirth / miscarriage: “Sometimes something causes a baby‟s body to stop working before it is born. We don’t know why, but it is nothing anyone did or didn’t do.” 

Murder: “Your mother was killed today.  Sometimes people do very bad things that hurt or kill…”

Suicide (no doubt the person killed themselves): “Your brother has killed himself.  Sometimes a person’s mind gets very sick and doesn’t work right, and they don’t understand things clearly. They may think the only way to solve their problems is to stop living, so they kill themselves.  However, this is never a solution to problems. It’s not anyone’s fault that this has happened”.

Suicide (Questionable):  “Sometimes people take pills to relax or to sleep.  Sometimes they forget how many they have taken and think that they need more.  These pills make their body slow down, and too many of them make their body stop working.  We don’t think Auntie wanted to die, but that’s what happened to her body.”

Answer all questions truthfully

Depending on the level of maturity of the child, they may ask for more details of the death. Do answer all questions truthfully but as simply as possible. Be consistent as it helps children to have trust and reassurance. Some parents believe that the child may not be able to accept the truth. Our clinical experience as a psychologist, counsellor, and psychotherapist is that the child just need help to understand the truth.

Children may need time to process and questions may not occur immediately after you’ve informed them of the death. If they don’t have questions immediately, let them know they can come to you any time if a question occur.

Reassurance

Reassure your children that they are loved and safe. Acknowledge the relationship that they have with the deceased with statement of love. “Your father loves you very much. I know you will miss him a lot”. Some children may have fear that other loved ones may die. Reassure them with statement like “Most people live for a long time; I plan to continue to take care of myself and be with you for a long time”.

Sometimes children may have irrational thoughts and blame themselves. Reassure them that they are not at fault.

What to Talk to Children about Death?

Meaning of Death

• Provide children with basic information about the human biology to help differentiate alive vs. dead (i.e., heart stopped beating, lungs cannot breathe in air, brain does not think anymore).

• Do use language and ideas appropriate to the age of the child to communicate that a dead Person / their body can’t do the things they / it used to. For example, the body is no longer able to talk, walk, move, see or hear.  The person no longer feels pain, sadness, anger or discomfort.

• Do use the words “dead” and “died.”  Avoid the use of euphemisms such as “passed away,” “left us,” and “gone on.”  As it might create confusion. To a child, this may sound as if the person is taking a trip, doesn’t want to return and can cause him/her to fear that others may leave and not return.

• Some young children may not understand the permanence of death. It is important to help explain the person will never come back. 

Sadness

• Modeling of sad feelings and behaviors lets children know that it‟s okay to be sad. 

• Children need to be taught that people express sadness in different ways (ie some may cry, some may want alone time, some may share more than others).

• Children must be told that it is the death that has made their family members sad. Without an explanation, children may think the sadness is caused by something that they did or said.

• Start by saying… “A very, very sad thing has happened…” or “Mommy and Daddy are sad because…”

• Give permission for the child to be sad, or not. “It’s ok to be sad and you can cry when you feel sad”, “Sometimes when the sadness gets too much we might want to not think about it and think about other things instead”, or “Sometimes when something just happen our body cannot understand what happened and we become numb and cannot think or feel”.

Death Ritual

Explain to the child what will happen next regarding the death ritual like the wake, funeral / memorial, burial / cremation, etc. Some concept like cremation may be scary for the child who has vivid imagination: “What if they are not really dead and is burnt?” Explain due diligence procedure is done to ensure that is not the case.

What happen after Death

Depending on your religious beliefs, explain to your child what you believe happens after death. It’s ok to say “I don’t know what happens after, but what I’d like to believe is… “ or “I know they will always be with us, even if only in our memory”.

If you are struggling to speak to your child about death, or if you need support during this difficult time, reach out and book a counselling session with one of our psychologists, counsellors, or parenting coaches.  Remember, you are not alone.