By Ho Shee Wai

Director/Registered Psychologist

All of us have our own ideas of what love is.  These ideas may be shaped by examples from our parents, friends, books, magazines, and especially Hollywood romance movies!  A large number of couples ended up in my counselling room fearing the doom of their relationship because they no longer feel “love”.  “Not feeling ‘love’” for their partner is one of the many excuses for people to justify their affairs and/or decide to end their relationship.  Couples tend not to understand that a love relationship is not just a “state”, it is a process of never-ending opportunity to love once again, forgive once again, to commit to one another and to the relationship, over and over, again and again. Not understanding that mean you’d be on this endless journey to find love.

5 Stages of Love

Let’s look at the stages of development in a love relationship and where potential point of “divorce” or leaving the relationship for couple who couldn’t successfully transit to the next stage. Learn also how with the support of a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist you can come out on the other end for each stage of Love:

1. Coming Together

This is the initial coming together where the style of loving is Eros (or commonly known as Passionate Love).  The couple will experience infatuation and a feeling of being drawn to become one with the other person.  Love is experienced as sacrifice.  The characteristic of the love relationship at this stage is one of deep-seated needs being met, falling of barriers in coming together, and a desire for continuation of the relationship.

The First "Divorce"/Separation Point

What happens when people stay in this stage: Co-dependency.

Motivation for moving to next stage: Desire for continuation and stability.

How a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist can help: The therapist can help the couple to discuss their willingness to continue and what they see is the picture of the relationship union.

2. Forming Union

This is the stage where the couple develops and maintains the structures and roles in the relationship.  The style of loving is Storge (or commonly known as Affectionate Love).  The couple will experience a sense of familiarity and domesticity.  The characteristic of the love relationship at this stage is one of adjusting to differences and establishing roles.

The Second "Divorce"/Separation Point

What happens when people stay in this stage: Roles rigidify. Same-sex friendships rival the relationship/marriage.

Motivation for moving to the next stage: Desire for opposite-sex intimacy, community.

How a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist can help: The therapist can help the couple negotiate the competing needs of spending time with friends and individual activities vs time together as a couple.

3. Forging Common Values/Unity

This is the Philia (or friendship) stage where there’s an emphasis on common purpose, goals, and values.  This is where couple develops like-mindedness.  The characteristic of the love relationship at this stage is one of common values and building “family” ties.

The Third "Divorce"/Separation Point

What happens when people stay in this stage: Conventional marriage and community continues; work and parenting drive the relationship.

Motivation for moving to the next stage: Desire for personal exploration and discovery in work and love.

How a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist can help: The therapist can help the couple find the “spark” and passion again so that the couple are more of a lover than room-mate/family.

4. Developing Individuality Within Unity

This is the stage where the couple, having the foundation of the secure love relationship, began their growth of diversity.  There is recognition of the couple’s varied talents and each person taking individual responsibility for their individual’s needs.  The characteristic of relationship is one of mutual encouragement to grow.  Personal changes are welcomed not threatening, and individualistic, unconventional lifestyles are accepted.

The Fourth "Divorce"/Separation Point

What happens when people stay in this stage: Experiences become manipulative rather than shared adventures. Quest for individuality sours into self-centered lifestyle.

Motivation for moving to the next stage: Sense that a deeper kind of intimacy awaits beyond self-actualization.

How a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist can help: The therapist can help the couple strike the balance between interdependence and independence, giving both spaces for the relationship as well as individual needs.

5. Developing True Unity

This is what is called Agape Love (or Unconditional Love).  At this stage, the couple has unconditional love that lives well with tension and paradox of strong unity of strong individuals.  The characteristic of this stage of love is one of acceptance of each other’s vulnerability, development of new form of non-manipulative communication, and the rise of intimacy based on increase in both mystery and knowledge of the other person.

As can be seen from the above outlined process, the giddy “in love” passionate feeling dominates mainly the first stage of the love relationship.  That feeling needs to step back and let other love styles come in in order for the relationship to develop into a deeper love.  People who don’t understand this will embark in an endless pursuit of the thrill of passionate love and never experience the fulfilment of the deeper Agape love.  Couple who successfully manoeuvres through these various stages will be able to have a stable and healthy love relationship. Fret not if this sounds too daunting for you to manage. This is where the support of your psychologist, counsellor, and psychotherapist comes in to help you smoothly go through each stage with their expert guidance.

Book in with our psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist for you to experience the true unity of Agape Love.