By Jumh Tantri

Counsellor

Everybody has different ways of accepting losses whether coming to terms with them or even struggling with them. Losses may not necessarily be just the loss of your close family members; or someone you know dearly like partners/close friends; it can also range to losing a dear pet and some materialistic items that hold a great meaning for you and not many people would know. Many times, we grieve either reasoning with the feelings/emotions or suppressing them until they become non-existent yet subconsciously our body knows and is aware of our unfinished businesses – they all have correlations to our upbringing in our environment especially how our parents/caregivers taught us or modelled to us on how we should be grieving. Some of us may be told to keep to the news of loss to ourselves and not sharing with others because it is a shameful thing or taboo; some are told to be strong and assume the responsibility, especially the eldest child; some are told to keep a ritual in the memories of the loss person either by offering incenses or visiting them in the graveyard, etc. All in all, if we do not grieve naturally, we may have a lot of unsettled businesses within our mental health state of mind and even our body will signal to us until we can be paranoid about getting certain illnesses or delusions about how unwell we can be when in fact, we are healthy physically but may not be mentally sound during this season of our life. Your mental health will affect your physical health, your gut is the “third brain”. Furthermore, nowadays some people even resort to google certain symptoms of physical or mental illnesses and if they find a few similar symptoms, they may jump to the conclusion that they have these illnesses which can be very dangerous or make individuals anxious for no reason.

Stages of Grief

To ensure how individuals can grieve naturally with permission whether it is being taught or modeled after your parents/caregivers or informed by people that you know – one should know there is a stage of how grieving works. According to Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief (not in order, can be intertwined or interchangeable), they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each stage has its characteristics to deal with and manage with.

Denial

Though it helps to minimize the overwhelming loss, it is often a momentary sense of relief accompanied by an unrealistic view of your current situation. The reason why some of us are doing this is to avoid or survive the intense emotional pain, especially if the loss is too sudden. Also, no matter how prepared you can be for loved ones who passed on due to terminal illnesses, you will feel that something has become missing that you may not be used to initially. Hence, denial can be an act of defense mechanism for you to manage any imminent emotional pains. Individuals in this stage will adjust to a new reality by reflecting on the experiences they had shared with the lost individuals and finding ways to move forward in the absence of the lost individuals. This stage helps us to process the new reality one step at a time rather than having the risk of being overwhelmed by our emotions.

Anger

It may serve some of us as an emotional outlet especially when we can be in a state of extremely unpleasant emotions. Anger does not require us to be vulnerable and more socially acceptable than to let others know about our fear like rejection or being judged upon expressing it. One of the first few emotions we often feel is being released upon receiving the news of the loss. The next moment we may find ourselves in isolation and become unapproachable to others especially if we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance from them.

Bargaining

At this stage, doing or hoping for something in return to relieve your pain of loss or hoping that the other person/object may come back to you again. For example, “God, I promise to be better if you let this person live on or get healed.” Individuals tend to focus on personal faults or regrets, especially reminiscing past interactions with the lost individuals and realizing the disconnection may have hurt them. "I could have done better or behaved differently" appears in the mind and may make drastic assumptions that if it is achieved, we will not be lingering in emotional pain.

Depression

When the bargaining phase is not an option, depression sets in to make us feel more present with the loss with panic subsiding and unclear emotions made known. Individuals start to cave in as sadness breeds – less interaction and reaching out less to others. One of the most isolating and devastating moments until one learns to accept so to move on to the final part.

Acceptance

A moment of truth by accepting reality and not struggling to strive to change different situations although the pain of loss will still linger. While sadness and regret can be present, emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger will slowly diminish.

Everyone grieves differently where some take weeks to experience while some take months and years. The grieving stages do not go in order all the time, one may fall back to the previous stage or head straight to another stage. One essential thing is to take the time you need and remove any expectations that you need to overcome or come to terms with the loss immediately. It will not be easy or even tricky especially if you are not familiar with managing your overwhelming thoughts or emotions in this period.

I hope and pray that the concept of the 5 stages of grief can benefit you as well. To delve deeper into each stage and work on them, you need a counselling professional to guide you in working on your thought process and emotions in each stage, please feel free to book a counselling session with me at www.thecounsellingplace.com to work collaboratively on how to grieve freely with permission and effectively.